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Time:06:58 pm

The little girl in me is crying for attention again. Her shoes are untied, and the teddy bear drips from her hands like the phone in mine. She’s itching her head, where the soft cool damp hairs flow through her fingers like my bedsheets. She had the real parents, the ones who cared. Sometimes I wonder what happened to them. When did life become so nonexistent that you didn’t even want me anymore? Did I get that independent? Because right now crawling in your arms looks like the only safe heaven prepared for me. I could still fill them. I’m small, remember? I’m smaller than the rest yet you treat me like I’m an ever growing goliath. I’m sorry, I won’t grow anymore if it means that love only comes in segments in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich everyday. The next time the tears hit the pavement I’ll be tying my shoes by myself, letting the phone slip past my hands and onto the floor where it’s intended to be. I won’t care what you think anymore.


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Time:04:53 pm

I woke up in a new world today. Nothing like the ghastly origins of my ex-self, ex-proclaimed lover girl with your hazel eyes attached to mine, ex-girlfriend of a heathen. Nothing like that- Just a girl swimming in her own jungle of miss conceptions. I would really like it if you joined in me in a midnight dip, where the water correlates to our bodies like silly putty as we wash away our sins- I remembered that’s how you liked it. We could listen to Jimmy Eat World in my car as I swish past the desert at 60 miles per hour, my car jumping on every single speed bump until our hearts leap out of our chests and onto the dashboard. I want you to have that feeling without me driving, just looking at my sweet little bitter plumed face and being excited for the next words vomiting out of my mouth. I know when I talk to you I’m unstoppable, I just keep breathing and my words get tangled in my tongue and teeth and I speak how I’m speaking now. I want to fall asleep on the grassy plains of Kentucky’s finest farm, sharing the same breath with you. But only for a moment until I fade faster than your blue jeans, because my mind makes this numbing sound with every kiss I receive from you. It’s my brain telling me to stop, rewind, and rethink all the others who graced these lips before, and how their now disarmed in the back of my mind next to the unused geometry and stuffed animals. You’ll be hidden away in my closet faster than the last one, with your baby blues and ring-around-the-rosey type of look. I really liked it. Liked. That word itself just flickers past my innocent eyes. In reality, I’m not so innocent. In my mind, I’m the typically clumsy girl looking for salvation. I’m kind of wild, always running past you eyes and clinging on to the clouds that cry over the moon. I’m leaving your dreams faster than you’ve left mine.


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Time:08:26 pm
I feel like shit most of the time
Tears form around my car window in the morning everyday
It must be ice, or the splattered remains of my heart
Whocares
Once I hit that hard, cold pavement
My spine tingles and I instantly transform
In someone
Who Wants This.
I can’t let you down, I’m sorry
If your waiting for me to fail
Once I walk in that room
Backs straighten, emotions tense
Is this me or the ultimate being I can be
The ultimate demon hunter playing kills on someone else’s prey
Or is this mine
I’m twisted, I get broken, I have no feelings
Whatsoever
To hurt you
For I’ve been hurt too many times before
Yet my own pain, my own inner demon works within me, scrambling to kill the things you love, and showcase my own spiritual devotion
Because I convinced myself I’m Just that Good
Then I realize
How much more beautiful you are to the world
And how much each day costs my heart to whimper in denial
The first sight of your ambition
It seeps into my own, and I have the need
To make mine better
Because we are in a competition to see
Whose life will turn out better in the end
Who gets the husband, the job, the career, the ultimate satisfaction
Of being the most beautiful girl in the world
In a society, in a school, in a universe
Who treats us like shit but we keep coming back
The strong ones
The ones that are like me,
Or so I hope to believe
But let me tell you a secret, the extreme secret
That lies behind my eyes, and circles around my head
When I look at you
I’m afraid to be weak
I can’t be,
If I cry, right now, pouring on the floor
Please don’t touch me
Tears are gruesome, and I
Don’t want to become ugly
Lying in your arms like a child
I’m not a child
Just a girl looking for her own peace of mind
In this abstract world with chemicals
As skys
I cut my fingernails, paint them black, trying to give me some security
Some balance in this world I call my own
Statues remind me that you can not always go in motion
And paintings remind me that the canvass is your wonderland
Paint it by lathering in your own emotions
Your own desires
But what does desire cost to the human heart
When I’m moving 600 miles away from you
Once they hand me that little piece of paper that I’ve been
Foaming at the mouth for
For the past 4 years of my teenage life
I’m greedy, hungry to be in the competition
I’m starving, to get on that plane
And fly out of your life
As fast as anyone else will
Because I’m
Selfish
Self-promoting
And completely in love
With the person I want to become
And completely hate
The person I once was.
So here I am, the person
In the middle, fighting for her own ground
Her own self satisfaction
Because we’re in a competition
And I want to find myself faster than you do.
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Time:04:31 pm
“Only the shallow know themselves.” - Oscar Wilde
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Time:08:57 pm
I am the girl with the golden fingers
And a silver tongue, tasting of iron and carbon dioxide
I have two oblong eyes, made of glass and gunpowder
The inside haze of my pupils soaks beneath my skin, ovulating into clouds
And dripping onto my skin: the surface of Venus
Acid and fire bursting through red
Beating my flesh

I’m morphing
A tear drop from the contours of your cheek
Curving, forming into sea
Shallowly tangled in memories and seaweed
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Time:04:04 pm
I lived in his castle by the sea, with moon paper hearts as trees-
my toes chirped as the water dripped on them like summer's ice cubes
slowly melting into the crevices of my skin
while the tide played hide and seek with the sand

I was the queen, with sea shells as my crown
and the glitter of foam roasting on the strands of my hair-

though the sea would slowly evaporate-
and the castle would sadly burn to the ground-
I always kept my crown.
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Time:07:58 am
one day I'll feel complete again...

when will that be?
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Time:09:49 am

Intuition-

Shapes of butterflies dance around me, while owls stare unknowingly
into my eyes. This is what my eternity looks like, I long to be buried
beneath this ground.
I inch up to my window. This dream was the
paramount of emotional desires. I feel revived, like the dancers atop
the moonlit hills above the clouds in Spring.
“Let me go,”
I
whisper softly in my windowsill. The trees look faded with the fall
light shining on them like a disease. I urge to live somewhere beyond
these pale walls. My eyes twinkle through my reflection. I feel free.

When
we first met, the trees where perfectly in place and the sun was still.
I sat on the warmest seat of grass under the rooftop. When we talked,
it felt as if his heart was finding the way into mine and my lips
searching for his. The excitement of desire and lack of knowledge
churned my stomach. My hair blew into his face, which he continually
kissed every time the strands touched his lips. His legs upon mine
covered the lumps of my curves and his skin looked beautifully roasted,
while mine shined in the sun. The wind blowing west left his scent onto
me which smelled of lilacs intertwined with sweet spice. It was the
scent of our heart's blossoming with love.
The perfect paths I set
upon my dreams were broken down when he came in. He wanted me secluded
from myself when I left him space in my heart. My mind was then
crumbled and my lungs where switched on mute. The air turned groggy and
I couldn’t understand what my mind was screaming. The wind gargled up
all of my intuition. I was left laying beside him, unable to move,
deteriorating inside. His fingers trickling like rain on my back.
I wake up.
Depression
has gotten amongst me. The mist of the morning shower plays with my
sight. Every time I can’t see past my sink leads me into thinking that
he’s huddled deep inside the room like the newly formed fungus on the
ceiling.  I can’t do anything besides look at myself in the mirror and
carry little tears of sadness into my throat. My tears are too ashamed
of me to touch the base of my face with their wetness that I’ve been
longing for. I open all the windows and wait in the shower until every
inch of the mist is cleared. I waited longer than usual today so he can
escape the cage my mind put him in all night.
“Hello?”
I
recognized that husky voice with an inch of egotism in it. I drop. I
scrunch my eyes and bite my tongue until the blood squirms out of it
like a worm begging for dirt. The warm iron taste soothes my fear. The
shakes of my body calm the waves of emotional pain. My eyes reveal
themselves to a sea of mist. Slowly darkness enters its way into my
cells and I’m left into oblivion.


--------

I wrote this a year ago and still feel exactly the same. It reminds me of the quote "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" by Albert Einstein


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Time:06:21 pm
Brush the freckles off her face
She feels the crunch of the fall footsteps
Delude her eyelids to make tiny droplets of snow on his heart
It's not dandruff, I consider myself love

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Time:02:09 pm
Where do the corners of love end and the mess of reality hits?
I flushed my mind from the thought of love-
it's swirling in tiny intervals, while my heart folds
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