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Subject:Hey Ya'll!
Time:09:05 am
I finally got my online magazine up and running! Check it out!
http://unlovelycircumstance.blogspot.com/
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Time:12:43 pm
I'm going on a date tonight! =D
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Time:10:08 am
Hey Penpals, livejournalers.
I kind of moved to
http://skepticaldiamond.blogspot.com/

catch me there. :)
I still check this everyday because I religiously follow ourbedrooms community.
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Time:06:49 pm
I wish I could just... fade away.
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Time:06:40 pm

Pain illuminates through my body. One more kiss, once more can I feel that internal bliss blistering inside of my heart. In my head your packaged perfectly, like overgrown meat, like a symphony structure, like a boy in need of a real girl with thick wooden legs and hollow eyes. Let me provide that for you. I’ll be on sale. I’m already bruised, beaten, and broken – perfect for your boyish taste. I’ll light cigarettes on your grave after I kill you with my giggles and black raven’s curls. My long fingers will gallop into the dirt they dug you in, strangling worms and developing red musk on the four leaf clovers around your statue. I won’t burn candles for you, but I’ll let my cigarette smoke take your soul, dance with it, and then throw it in the trash. You’ll last only for 3 minutes, until the cigarette disintegrates and you’re left with only the taste of my crimson lips on your cheek. I’ll run away, like I do with every cute, sweet, mustard, tangy, irritable, clumsy, irresistible, ugly, emotional, insensitive, teenage boy.


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Time:05:57 pm

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Time:08:14 pm
Today I almost died.. and along with that my best friend. This has been the worst year for me tragically, and the only way to let my mind rest is to write it out and find where this world leads me to. I just need to write, forever, until my fingers get limb and my body floats into what it needs...
In the first two weeks of this new year I was dumped, hurt, and bruised by this guy I thought I could love forever. Yes it is needed for you to know this. He seemed to be the only thing I could turn to live for, and with that I felt aggravated, worn, and tired from constantly trying to restrain myself from being who I am... When your a girl, you have this stupid need to feel something from a guy you admire. Like this kind of want that never goes away. I think that all people in general need to know how precious a woman is. We are an entirely different species than a man... and it really does show sometimes. Precious. the only word to describe something so delicate, yet strong, and willing to break through to an unused core.

Also in the beginning of the year my newspaper advisor decided to quit her job at becoming a leader to the newspaper staff. This struck me hard, and with that I was left to teach a newspaper class entirely by myself. I never talk about this. I never talk about newspaper to most of you, except a small select few... This was so special to me, and to have someone I entirely trust bruise me like that I felt all of my life was crashing down- hard. and precious. While I had the weight of the newspaper literally on my shoulders, the person I thought I was completely in love with decided to hurt me and use me. Now, this happens to all of us. Hell, it has happened to me before. But never call someone your soul mate. That's the one mistake I felt I had made. He deleted me from his life and I wish he could really see this. He needs to understand how precious something is- especially a human heart.

As for today, I got into a car accident. I could have died. My best friend could have died, yet he was there for me. He didn't care if he was almost dead.. all he could keep saying to me was that things were going to be okay. And being 17 and kind of hopeless, it felt like they were.

It hurts to be 17 years old. So much ruthless shit has already happened to me that I know we all go through, yet it hurts. It hurts so badly. I wish I could just talk, to express my feelings like I do with words, but would you listen? It's not something a good bath and a Cranberries CD can fix. It's this pain of growing that tries to hold you back.. that you can't live life because one day, when you least expect it, it'll be raped and taken from you.

It's hard... when you think that your world is crashing down. Your left with no car, no self esteem, no want. There is really no one there to save you when your drowning, only you can pick yourself up, wash yourself off, and pat yourself on the back for stopping. I always came to the conclusion that I'm short because my body is resisting the urge to grow, while my mind is constantly battling my body. It just hurts. and I have a huge lack of self esteem. I'm too busy pleasing others. too busy trying to find myself.


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Time:08:25 am
Admitting I miss you is like admitting I'm manic depressive. Or admitting I have a twin hidden inside the pimple of my left shoulder. I'm just in need of a touch, a sense, a fucking good song to keep me from killing myself.

I’ve sworn off bad boys and chew toys. I’ve been told to never pass up a once in a lifetime chance, and lately I’ve been gobbling them all up. Lately I’ve been needing to tell you nothing and this makes me the happiest person alive. I think I just might love myself this time. Can I? This instant I can wipe a smile across my face and know it’s not from attention.


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Time:10:03 pm
I walked by myself, tasting crab meat and forcing the jingle of clouds away from my face. This was my lovely home, with no one else to roam around me. I breathe sweetly today, ignoring the rush of the in going traffic, or the highlights in my hair. I just keep walking, going no where on this road that has stop painted in heavenly white letters leading me lower to the ground, this desert hole of mismatched buildings like the quilt my grandmother sewn my mother into a dress. I think you’d like this last line, the way the pavement correlates to the glow of the morning dusk. I can’t believe I’m still thinking about you when you’re so far away. I swear, sometimes you’re a leech inside of my mind. You hated roads- always begging me to drive freeways when my heart and my driving abilities couldn’t last that long without slipping into the want of death. The cars would whiz by me, and your hands would go crawling on my thighs again. Excuse me while my brain cells vomit. I slip back into reality, realizing that my hand isn’t held, that my neck is still attached to this body, and that my lips feel crispy and wounded from lack of moisture. The cold air kisses my face and I’m back to this girl again.
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Current Music:She's on Fire by Train
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Time:10:09 am
Current Mood:artisticartistic

A cigarette hangs from my mouth the way she hung herself last night. Swaying past my lips in a circle of white on black, slowly slipping into the air with a massive army of smoke. I knew her the way you did, it was called Anxiety disorder.  Her little pale arms weren’t hereditary anymore, they were called anemia, and her hands as brittle as bath scrub, were called arthritis. She was the machine, her heart beat to the death song, the one that an enormous hustle of violinists can reprocess to make the saddest sound with a wave of bass tones. She liked to drive; driving for hours on the freeway passing signs that lead to no where in her mind. LA became Lost, Denver became Ditzy-blonde-waitress-at the-local-Dennys. She remembered places by the people she met, once a bar tender picked her up in a cheap convertible and showed her the way life was meant to be lived. Through money and cheap cigars. It was the best time of her life; he drove to New York, getting her high on chuckles and Pearl Jam. Her offered her this life forever, and by her needs of getting so close too soon, and wanting to pursue the best in life, she told him to go home and give another anorexiclly beautiful girl another day like this. This was her ultimate death wish.And as I’m driving past the graveyard of my best friend I remember her. Her teeth glittered like butter on popcorn, and her eyes were hallowed. But then again, I remember her shallow beauty- the kind men and magazines would pump love into. She’s on Fire.


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